EMBARGO Chelsea Tractor Show, 1 April 2022
Press release: EMBARGOED for release midday 1st April, 2022
- Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea welcomes first Chelsea Tractor Show, celebrating cars and the climate
- Held in the lead up to world-famous Chelsea Flower Show
- Country show prizes, picnics and free parking
Chelsea Tractor Show dates and details for 2022
The Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea is delighted to announce it will be host this year to the first annual Chelsea Tractor Show on May 21st to May 23rd.
Held in the days leading up to the world-famous RHS Chelsea Flower Show, the RBKC Chelsea Tractor Show will demonstrate the unique approach to nature and ecology of the Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea.
Council leaders have pointed to research by the New Weather Institute which showed RBKC to be the leading borough in the UK for ownership of SUVs, accounting for one in three of cars sold despite the absence of ploughed fields or uneven terrain in the borough.
“We realise some may attempt to mock SUVs as “Chelsea tractors”, but the fact is they are essential for modern lifestyles in the Royal Borough and we are delighted to showcase our high concentration of large motor vehicles designed for off-road use”, commented Councillor Max Carbon.
With free parking for any car that puts power through both axles, RBKC plans to give the grounds outside the Royal Hospital the ultimate makeover with not a blade of grass to be visible.
In addition to the main show there will also be a Chelsea Tractor Fringe, with pop-up illegal parking and flash-mob congestion happening across the borough over “Tractor Weekend”.
As with all country shows, prizes will be awarded in a number of categories.
Prize category 1: Death and injury
Awarded to: Heaviest Car in Class
Prize: parklet picnic on High Street Kensington
With road death increasing in the US as the result of mass adoption of SUVs, it’s fantastic to see similarly heavy and high vehicles in the borough, whose kinetic mass and point of impact are more likely to result in devastating injury than the smaller cars they replace.
But that’s not all – the increased weight of SUVs is great at eroding road surfaces, generating re-suspension plus increased brake pad and tire wear particulate – all tremendous sources of the particulate pollution that kills thousands of Londoners each year.
Prize category 2: Sedentary lifestyle
Awarded to: Highest concentration of in-car entertainment systems
Prize: a tour of RBKC’s protected cycle lanes
As a borough we’re really proud to have resisted calls from 20 local schools for even one protected cycle lane. We want people from a young age stuck inside houses and cars, passively entertained by digital systems.
“We love how kids don’t feel safe to play out on our streets, and that many are driven to school – one of the main sources of the road congestion we’ve come to embrace” said the lead Councillor for Children Ann T Child.
“I’m looking forward to joining the winner on the tour of our protected cycle lanes. At the moment these exist only as broken promises, so we will be able to conduct the tour virtually on iPads, which is in line with our digital strategy.”
Prize category 3: Climate
Awarded to: Highest CO2 production footprint
Prize: free parking for life, anywhere
When we declared Climate Emergency, we didn’t mean to cover the CO2 cost of SUVs (obviously!). We’re looking forward to tough competition on this – can any entries make it to 40 tonnes of CO2 in production alone?
Celebrating entitled double-speak, we want to reward the owner of the vehicle that consumed the most CO2 in its production to be able to park where they want for life. We don’t mind if it’s half sticking out on a pavement, on a blue-badge space, blocking a pedestrian crossing or obstructing a bus route! Whack on the hazard lights, walk away and smile, you’ve earned it!
Prize category 4: Best in Show
Awarded to: Champion Wankpanzer
Prize: design your own study!
At RBKC we love surveys, questionnaires, work-groups, research exercises and studies. They’re just the most wonderful way to avoid changing anything while looking as though we might, and we can string them out for years!
Councillor Kevin Draper-Wright commented, “What we lack in muddy fields we make up for with long grass where you will find a whole host of commitments we’ve made over the years. I find an SUV is a great way to go hunting for empty words.”
Winner of the Champion Wankpanzer award will be able to commission their own study that can be about something, or nothing, and have deadlines, or not have deadlines. They will then be able to decide whether anything is done at the end, or whether any findings are despatched to join Councillor Kevin in the long grass.
Refreshments will be available, including the signature RBKC “Policy Picnic” which as always will be missing a sandwich.
The show is estimated to cost £7 million to host, and local GLA member Tone “Deff” Dorset says this will be another wise investment in bringing back international tourists after the pandemic. “I’ve learned from the success of spending £6 million on some temporary scaffolding at Marble Arch that what we really need to do is to throw money at bits of metal obscuring spaces of natural beauty. After Shit Hill, we want to make this a true Shit Show.”
Press-release-EMBARGO-Chelsea-Tractor-Show-31-March-2022